It’s a timeless tale. Man and woman meet, become enamored with one another, and decide to spend the rest of their lives together. The details; however, have varied greatly over time. With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, here’s the progression of love through human history:
Approach: The lonely male gathers his courage, hobbles over to the closest single female, and impresses her with the different range of his grunts.
First Date: He shows off his skill with a spear while she dolls herself up and dons her favorite animal fur.
It’s Getting Serious When… He goes hunting for her. Girls, nothing says true love like when he brings you back that Wooly Mammoth tusk.
Proposal: He shows her their new cave that all the neighbors are going to be jealous of.
Approach: Pray that your parents made alliances with attractive lords and ladies, because you’ve already been betrothed before you can say your first “thy”
First Date: While she sits there in silence, he’ll write her epic poetry that will be read and misunderstood for centuries to come.
It’s Getting Serious When….. The male fights in her honor and puts her handkerchief on his lance in the joust.
Proposal: He polishes that suit of armor, gets all the trumpeters to blast “Greensleeves,” and creates their own fairy tale.
Approach: The gentleman follows all the rules of courtship, and then begins calling on the lucky gal.
First Date: He busts out all the stops with a carriage ride through the country… with the proper chaperones of course.
It’s Getting Serious When….. She lets him see some sock, and if he’s really lucky maybe a knee or two. You know, the kind of scandals that keep the gossipers happy.
Proposal: The young lovers risk losing their “sexy” pale skin and he asks the question in front of their cottage.
Approach: Ever seen Grease? It’s nothing like that.
First Date: Poodle skirts meet athletic jackets at the diners. He tries to impress her with his rebellious musical preference for Elvis and Motown.
It’s Getting Serious When….. They “park” the T-Bird at the local drive-in movie.
Proposal: After asking the parent’s permission, the teens get down on one knee and start building their life in the suburbs together.
Approach: Those that aren’t great with pick up lines rejoice – you can now put on a confident witty persona via the internet. Just practice the line “Girl, can I get yo’ screen name?”
First Date: Dinner’s a little too much of a time commitment. The most complicated conversation of the evening is placing the coffee orders at the nearest Starbucks.
It’s Getting Serious When….. Your relationship starts to resemble one of the cliches in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You.
Proposal: Females are tired of the old fashioned stuff. Guys get creative – notes in the sand, sky writing, something involving puppies and dolphins, etc.
I’m going to have to say that my ideal time would have been the Prehistoric era. No mind games or power struggles, just simply two singles sharing some time in a cave. I’m hoping this cycle somehow comes full circle in my lifetime… but if not I guess that I can learn some tricks of the trade at Sex Rules this Friday.